Ha! I bet you were expecting
naked women on Page 3.......sorry, no can do!
.........here's a milk tart!!
ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it
starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
VAN FOR SALE.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are [--word removed--] killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the bloody
sausage after the second pub.
Two men are fishing at their
favourite spot on the river, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the
fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -- she hasn't spoken
to me in over two months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer.
Then, thoughtfully says, "You better think it over -- women like that are
hard to find."
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the
proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry.
No sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the
same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2
this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but
no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Paddy replied, "No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My
wife won twice last week."
I bought a bird feeder, hung it from the boom and filled it with
seed. Within a week I had hundreds of birds taking advantage of
the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the rigging,
above cockpit table, and in the sail covers.
Then came the sh*t... It was everywhere: on the deck, the seats, the table...everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded
that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own cockpit anymore. So I
took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I
cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all
over the place.
Soon, the boat was like it used to be ..... quiet, serene and no
one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see..... our government decided to give out free food, subsidized
housing, free medical care, free education, free driving lessons,
subsidised transport and allow anyone born in the UK to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an A & E
doctor; your child's class is behind other
schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear
my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags, other than the Union Flag, are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down
the damn bird feeder.
If you agree, tell everyone else;
if not, continue cleaning up the sh*t!
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to da front door of da apartment, I'm in apartmenta 301. There is
a big panel at da front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz
you in. With your elbow, push
da door open. Come inside, da elevator is on da right. Get in, and with
your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my
"What . . .!!!!!!!!!! You comin empty handed?
.........and he is the new President?
A tourist walked into a Brighton
curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very
life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was
so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the
owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat,
you can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little
disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a
couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were
all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on
towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats
now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down the pier and threw the bronze rat far
out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real
rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. The man walked
back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've
come back for the story then?"
"No," said the tourist, "I came
back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a
couple of illegal immigrants, and anything French!"
This man thought he had the best tattoo in the World..........
..............until he went to prison!
The following question
was asked in a recent UK poll:
'Are there too many immigrants in Britain?'
21% Said: Yes
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