No malicious intent is intended on this page
- it is purely for FUN.
If you are easily offended - sod off!
How come that Americans choose from just two people
to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?
On a golf tour in
Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote
part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing
about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who
the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin'
to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick
"hello," and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees
fall out of his pocket
"What are dose?"
asks the attendant.
tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "dem fella’s at Mercedes tinks of
The British are so
tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on
his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a
quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a
pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big,
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and
worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow
side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads the American down a
back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statues, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect
bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he
relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
replied the bobby, "
...that is what we
call the FRENCH EMBASSY."
France Elevates its Security Level
As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General
Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and
"Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective
combat operations" and "Change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in
uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random
countries (ideally those without any credible military)"
and "Beg the British for help".
The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and
have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though,
security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance".
The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.
What do solicitors use for birth control?
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large
farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Now that food has
replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Two Asians had a bad curry…..one
finished up with a bad tikka and the other is in a korma.
Ikea have introduced a new range of
furniture for lesbians – no screws, just tongue and groove!
A new lion tamer applies for a job
at the circus. The ringmaster asks what the act is.
The lion tamer tells him, “Well, I ask the lion to open his mouth, drop
my John Thomas in and tell him to close his mouth. Then I pat his head
and he opens it, and I’m free.”
“Excellent,” says the ringmaster, “you’re hired”.
That night, the act goes according to plan, the lion tamer tells the
lion to open his mouth, drops in his John Thomas and tells him to close
his mouth. The crowd go wild!
Then he pats the lions head, the lion opens his mouth and the tamer zips
Then he makes an announcement that the trick is quite simple as there is
no real risk involved, and asks if any member of the audience would like
to try it.
An old lady in the third row sticks up her hand and says, “I’d like a go
– but please don’t hit my head too hard”.
Would you like some more??