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NOTE!!

No malicious intent is intended on this page - it is purely for FUN.

If you are easily offended - sod off!

 


How come that Americans choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?


    


On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello," and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his pocket

"What are dose?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "dem fella’s at Mercedes tinks of everyting!"



The British are so proper...

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and
worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you
know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads the American down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statues, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he
relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

 

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "

...that is what we call the FRENCH EMBASSY."



                                     France Elevates its Security Level

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)"
and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.


 


Q.     What do solicitors use for birth control?

                            A.     Their personalities. 

         


                          Q.     What do you call a smart blonde?

                          A.      A golden retriever

                                      


                         Q.     Why is divorce so expensive?

                         A.      Because it's worth it.



An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?



 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


 

Two Asians had a bad curry…..one finished up with a bad tikka and the other is in a korma.


Ikea have introduced a new range of furniture for lesbians – no screws, just tongue and groove!


A new lion tamer applies for a job at the circus. The ringmaster asks what the act is.
The lion tamer tells him, “Well, I ask the lion to open his mouth, drop my John Thomas in and tell him to close his mouth. Then I pat his head and he opens it, and I’m free.”
“Excellent,” says the ringmaster, “you’re hired”.
That night, the act goes according to plan, the lion tamer tells the lion to open his mouth, drops in his John Thomas and tells him to close his mouth. The crowd go wild!
Then he pats the lions head, the lion opens his mouth and the tamer zips up!
Then he makes an announcement that the trick is quite simple as there is no real risk involved, and asks if any member of the audience would like to try it.
An old lady in the third row sticks up her hand and says, “I’d like a go – but please don’t hit my head too hard”.



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