DON’T STEP ON
Three women die together in an
accident and go to Heaven .
When they get there, St. Peter
says, “We only have one rule here in Heaven.........don’t step on the
So, they enter Heaven and sure
enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible to
avoid stepping on them and although they try their best, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter, with the
ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says,
”Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend the rest of eternity
chained to this ugly man,!!”
The next day, the second woman
also steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t
miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. St. Peter chains
the woman to the man with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has, of course,
observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an
ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks and one day, St. Peter comes along with the
most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on......tall, long eyelashes,
slim and muscular.
Without saying a word, St.
Peter chains them together and departs. The woman remarks, “ I wonder why
he’s picked me to be chained to you for all eternity?”
The guy says, “I’ve no idea,
all I did was step on a duck.!!”
A guy is strolling
down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs
it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one
wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his
Off the bloke strolls,
wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the
footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices
a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing
lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He
puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a
roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette
table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the
wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven.
Now he's really flying
... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for
some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden
he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam
of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We
have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th
customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from
any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!" The bloke says that
he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into
one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has
Not much time passes
before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pages 101
to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and
says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen
in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't
really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all
have on your forehead." The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says,
"Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you
wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the bloke
goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts
laughing his ass off. "What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke
replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"
Prince Phillip said much the same!
Mujibar was trying to get a job in
India. The personnel manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed
all the tests bar one. Unless you pass this, you cannot qualify for
Mujibar said, "I'm ready."
The manager said, "Make a
sentence using the words yellow, pink and green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes,
then said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone
goes green, green, green and I pink it up and say, 'yellow, this is
Mujibar now works in a call centre in
Delhi.............no doubt you have spoken to him.
When you are in deep shit, say
nothing, and try to look like you know what you are doing!
HI-JACK A PLANE – WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE
Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM.
Today’s programme features another chance to take part in our exciting
competition: Hi-Jack an airliner and win a council house. We’ve already
given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes,
courtesy of our sponsor - the British Taxpayer. And don’t forget, we’re now
the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don’t
hold a valid British Passport. You only need one word of English:-
Prizes include all expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at
£180 per week and a chance to earn thousands more by Begging, Mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner Airlines, Ferry
Companies or Eurostar. No application ever refused – reasonable or
unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the
magic password – ASYLUM.
Only this week, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were
flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted, where
local enforcement officers were on hand to fast track them to their luxury
£200 a night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of
thousands of lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain.
Our most popular destinations include the White Cliffs of Dover, the world
famous Toddington Services Area in Historic Bedfordshire and the Money Tres
at Croydon. If you still don’t understand the rules, there is no need to
phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid. There are
hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors just waiting to help you
– and it won’t cost you a penny!
So play today, it could change your life forever.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, Pro-Pinochet
activists, Anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, and Somali guerrillas –
COME ON DOWN
Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the
ferry terminal. Don’t stop in Germany or France – go straight to Britain and
you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the
softest game on Earth. Roll up my friends for the game that never ends.
Everyone’s a winner, when they play - ASYLUM!
One day, a man came home and
was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and
you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
Two women were playing golf. One teed
off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of
men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.
The women rushed down to the man, and
immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be
fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the
foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her
persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and
laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then
asked..."How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my
thumb still hurts."