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If you haven't been insulted or offended yet, please be patient, I will get round to you.


















Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven .

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in Heaven.........don’t step on the ducks.!!!”

So, they enter Heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible to avoid stepping on them and although they try their best, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter, with the ugliest man she has ever seen.  St. Peter chains them together and says, ”Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend the rest of eternity chained to this ugly man,!!”

The next day, the second woman also steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly man. St. Peter chains the woman to the man with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has, of course, observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. 

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks and one day, St. Peter comes along with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on......tall, long eyelashes, slim and muscular.

Without saying a word, St. Peter chains them together and departs.  The woman remarks, “ I wonder why he’s picked me to be chained to you for all eternity?”

The guy says, “I’ve no idea, all I did was step on a duck.!!”








A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp.

He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish.

Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven.

Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!" The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen.

Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pages 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"



Prince Phillip said much the same!


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.   The personnel manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests bar one.  Unless you pass this, you cannot qualify for the job."

Mujibar said, "I'm ready."

The manager said,  "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes, then said,  "Mister Manager, I am ready."

The manager said,  "Go ahead."

Mujibar said,  "The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up and say, 'yellow, this is Mujibar'".

Mujibar now works in a call centre in Delhi.............no doubt you have spoken to him.

When you are in deep shit, say nothing, and try to look like you know what you are doing!


Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM.

Today’s programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hi-Jack an airliner and win a council house. We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor - the British Taxpayer. And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don’t hold a valid British Passport. You only need one word of English:- ASYLUM!

Prizes include all expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 per week and a chance to earn thousands more by Begging, Mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner Airlines, Ferry Companies or Eurostar. No application ever refused – reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password – ASYLUM.

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded  to roll around in agony. 

The women rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.   At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked..."How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts."

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