Never, under any
circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
A guy walks into a bank in London
and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is
going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the guy hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The guy produces
the registration document and everything checks out. The loan officer
agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at this guy
for using a £150,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the guy returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The guy replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks
for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A woman was very distraught over
the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided
to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said “OK, take off all your
The woman did as she was told.
“ Now get down and craw reery,
reery fass to odder side of room”.
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, “OK, now
craw reery, reery fass back to me”.
As she did Dr Chang shook his head
“Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever
see, dat why you not haf sex or dates”.
The woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied,
“Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.”
A beautiful woman went to the
gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his
professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
While Doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and
started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what
I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the
.............especially after 10 pints of lager and a vindaloo!!
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons
him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The
auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes
his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has
bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six
thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that
rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss
into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and
piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.'
40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their
Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the f***ing gates'.
HOW THE CREDIT
CRUNCH IS AFFECTING THE UNITED KINGDOM.
"Will one be
wanting fries with that?"
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my
inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had
a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then
asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"And what do you call that?"
She laughed and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them
sounds a bit crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office
without even telling her about my folding bucket.
"The woodpecker might
have to go"
Walking through San Francisco's
Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops,
signs and banners. Turning the corner he spots a building with the sign, 'Jerzy
Dudek's Chinese Laundry.'
"Jerzy Dudek?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese man behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this
place get a name like Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me. Is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Jerzy Dudek?"
"Is simple," says the old man.
"Merry, merry year ago when come this country, was stand in line at
Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from
Porand. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?"
He say, "Jerzy Dudek."
Then she look at me and go, "What your name?"
I say, "Sem Ting."
Why we haven't caught
Never criticise someone
until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do
criticise them, you're a mile away and you've got their shoes!
It's the place to
you're up there without one!
An couple who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a
long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered ..
'Is that one word or two?'
Crap job?........turn your back on it!
An old cowboy sat down in Starbucks and ordered a coffee.
As he sat there sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down beside him.
She turned to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“Well Ma’am,” he said, “I’ve spent my whole life driving cattle across the
range, herding cows, breaking horses, fixing fences, baling hay, roping and
branding, riding in rodeos. It ain’t been nuthin’ but me, my horse, saddle
and bedroll, sleeping under the stars all these years, so I guess I’m a
“I’m a lesbian, “ she said, “I think of nothing but women. When I undress, I
think about women and when I wake in the mornings, I think about women. In
the shower I think about women, even when I eat or watch TV, I think about
women. It seems I think about them all the time.”
The two sat there in silence, sipping their drinks.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “Well, I always thought I was. But I just found out
that I’m a lesbian.”
.............turn left here Dear!
An American photographer on vacation, was inside a church in Leeds taking
photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a
sign that read '£10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued,
asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000
you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Bradford. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He
wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked
a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he
could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to York, Rotherham, Sheffield Dewsbury and Pickering.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per
call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to
see if Lancastrians had the same phone.
He arrived in Bolton, and again, in the first church he entered, there was
the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over Yorkshire and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but
in Yorkshire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Lancashire now, son ... it's a
There may be more............check back soon!