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THIS 'N' THAT
 

                                      A SEASONAL REQUEST.                                            

(remember to read this in a Northern accent!)

 

Now Iíve tried all the normal approaches

All the pick-ups and chat-ups and stuff

Tried me hand at sophistication

With some girls who were nowt if not rough

Iíve been seen down the discos and dances

Bought cocktails for them as were broke

In me quest for the perfect companion

Whoíd see me as her perfect bloke

 

Iíve dealt with the best datiní agents

Iíve filled in their forms and told lies

About how Iím just like a male model

With tight buttocks and sparkliní blue eyes

Iíve squandered me wages on chatlines

Spent two quid a minute on tí phone

Where Iíve ended up gagging for Charlene

Even though she weighs thirty-two stone

 

Iíve frequented bars down the dockside

Where thereís ladies that best left alone

And Iíve offered me body quite freely

But Iíve allus walked home on me own

So just cos itís coming up Christmas

And Iíve no sodding prospects in store

Iím wazzing this email to Lapland dot com

And Iím hoping that this time Iíll score

 

Dear Santa, please bring me a woman

For some fun in me fifty-fifth year

Letís forget all the monogrammed hankies

All the socks and the chocs and the beer

You could leave me a fun-loviní floozie

Or a perfectly sweet English rose

And what could be quite stonkiní is a lass who loves bonkiní

Now I would really like one of those

 

Please bring me a voluptuous woman

A partner, a pal and a mate

I can take for a romp in the boudoir

Wiíout having the need to inflate

Perhaps I should spare you the detail

But a sessionís got nowt to enthral

When youíre off to bed with a bike pump

And a puncture kit and all

 

Please bring me a home-loving woman

Cos Iíve brushed up me cooking technique

No spam, egg and chips like me Mam does

But dishes thatís sexy and chic

Weíll have seafood and hot, sticky puddiní

Drink wine Ďtil weíre Mozart and Liszt

Then Iíll make several filthy suggestions

Till she finds one she just canít resist

 

Please bring me an underwear woman

A lingerie kind of a dame

Who loves to wear silky suspenders

And doesnít mind me doiní the same

We can twang each others 'lastic

Then Iíll climb up on t' cupboard (top shelf)

Where Iíll fling off me big, baggy Y-Fronts

And dive in, like the Devil himself

 

Please bring me a kind, caring woman

Cos I know Iíve gone past me prime

But Iím sure I can do the business

If I just take me tablets on time

I wonít pester no  more, thatís a promise

You wonít hear me again, not one squeak

So Santa, please bring me a woman

And a fresh one each night for a week!

 


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