A SEASONAL REQUEST.                                            

Now I’ve tried all the normal approaches

All the pick-ups and chat-ups and stuff

Tried me hand at sophistication

With some girls who were nowt if not rough

I’ve been seen down the discos and dances

Bought cocktails for them as were broke

In me quest for the perfect companion

Who’d see me as her perfect bloke

I’ve dealt with the best datin’ agents

I’ve filled in their forms and told lies

About how I’m just like a male model

With tight buttocks and sparklin’ blue eyes

I’ve squandered me wages on chatlines

Spent two quid a minute on t’ phone

Where I’ve ended up gagging for Charlene

Even though she weighs thirty-two stone

I’ve frequented bars down the dockside

Where there’s ladies that best left alone

And I’ve offered me body quite freely

But I’ve allus walked home on me own

So just cos it’s coming up Christmas

And I’ve no sodding prospects in store

I’m wazzing this email to Lapland dot com

And I’m hoping that this time I’ll score

Dear Santa, please bring me a woman

For some fun in me fifty-fifth year

Let’s forget all the monogrammed hankies

All the socks and the chocs and the beer

You could leave me a fun-lovin’ floozie

Or a perfectly sweet English rose

And what could be quite stonkin’ is a lass who loves bonkin’

Now I would really like one of those

Please bring me a voluptuous woman

A partner, a pal and a mate

I can take for a romp in the boudoir

Wi’out having the need to inflate

Perhaps I should spare you the detail

But a session’s got nowt to enthral

When you’re off to bed with a bike pump

And a puncture kit and all

Please bring me a home-loving woman

Cos I’ve brushed up me cooking technique

No spam, egg and chips like me Mam does

But dishes that’s sexy and chic

We’ll have seafood and hot, sticky puddin’

Drink wine ‘til we’re Mozart and Liszt

Then I’ll make several filthy suggestions

Till she finds one she just can’t resist

Please bring me an underwear woman

A lingerie kind of a dame

Who loves to wear silky suspenders

And doesn’t mind me doin’ the same

We can twang each others 'lastic

Then I’ll climb up on t' cupboard (top shelf)

Where I’ll fling off me big, baggy Y-Fronts

And dive in, like the Devil himself

Please bring me a kind, caring woman

Cos I know I’ve gone past me prime

But I’m sure I can do the business

If I just take me tablets on time

I won’t pester no  more, that’s a promise

You won’t hear me again, not one squeak

So Santa, please bring me a woman

And a fresh one each night for a week!